HALLOWEEN HORROR-SCOPES
By Lauren Weiss
ARIES Mar. 21 – Apr. 19 - Your good looks and charismatic personality are only some of the reasons why people are attracted to you. Expect a lot of social activity, especially as Halloween draws nearer. If the invitations say to wear a costume, dress as a zombie. Not only will your “special someone” pay attention to you, you will also be the life of the party.
TAURUS Apr. 20 – May 20– The cafeteria workers called in sick today and have been replaced by shady characters who wear black, pointed hats instead of hairnets. Only today will the cafeteria invigorate you and help you thrive to your full potential. Then you will turn into a toad. But remember – keep positive and stay hoppy.
GEMINI May 21 – Jun. 20 - You are feeling very brave and daring today, but if you go walking alone at night you will surely be confronted by a tall, pale stranger with a Transylvanian accent. But do not be alarmed – he only wants directions to the nearest blood bank.
CANCER Jun. 21 – Jul. 22 - Accept it: everyone falls prey to illness once in a while, and hiding your symptoms will only harm you in the long run. Do yourself a favor and visit the doctor. Remember, accepting the facts with a positive outlook is one of Life’s most important lessons. Look on the bright side: you aren’t nearly as bad as that tall green guy with the zipper on his neck who sat next to you in the waiting room.
LEO Jul. 23 – Aug. 22– Even though your sign is a feline, it doesn’t make you immune to superstitions. A black cat crossing your path will result in bad luck and a nasty hairball stuck to the bottom of your new shoes.
VIRGO Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 - You have been feeling quite insecure lately. Childish longings and beliefs have suddenly popped back into your life. In addition, you will soon have a major accident. Only when the doctors are wrapping your multiple injuries with gauze strips will you feel like yourself again. Still, once you see your reflection in a mirror, you may be inclined to want your mummy.
LIBRA Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 - Do not allow people to make connections between you and the Wolf Man from Halloween lore. Try to be calm, courteous, and consistent. Also, make an appointment for a haircut.
SCORPIO Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 - You are quick to judge others based on gossip and stereotypes. However, someone will turn the tables on you by starting some nasty rumors about your above average height and green complexion. So if you thought you could have slipped by with your prejudiced ways, you’ve got an ogre thing coming.
SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 - The stars are not in your favor. The new friend you have acquired in hopes of making them your “significant other” has been keeping secrets that will undoubtedly affect the way you feel about them. This new friend is not compatible with your personality. They are more concerned with looking cool and hiding their “deathly pallor” than forming a relationship with you. Even though they proclaim that “you are the most important thing in their deaths – er, - lives,” it’s so easy to see right through them.
CAPRICORN Dec. 22 – Jan. 19– You have shown your maturity from a very young age, and it is one of your most positive qualities. Use this trait as frequently as possible, especially on Halloween. Since people know your personality well and always listen to what you have to say, make sure you warn them about the creepy masked strangers that will come to their houses asking for candy.
AQUARIUS Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 - You enjoy having fun; that much is obvious to the people who hang out with you. However, keep it cool in October. Do not smash any jack-o-lanterns, because they have feelings, too.
PISCES Feb. 19 – Mar. 20 - What with your bony complexion, you have always considered yourself an ugly duckling. However, somebody has their eye sockets on you. They love your originality and your funny bone. So be proud of who you are and ignore the old saying that “beauty is only skin deep.”
IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY – You will have a peaceful and prosperous year ahead of you. Make sure you honor your commitments, or you will find yourself in a serious fix come the next Friday the Thirteenth. Try your best, be yourself, and go all out for Halloween. Also, make sure you decline from reading those crazy school newspapers.